Friday, April 22, 2011

No Guarantees

It's been quiet here because I have been struggling. Those who follow here regularly know my 21 year old daughter is pregnant. While this should be a joyful experience it's really fucking hard. I'm looking forward to meeting this new special little soul but am very worried about my daughter. 

She still has her part time job and is enrolled in school full-time but barely makes enough money for gas to go to and from work and school, let alone to do much else. She is arguing with her boyfriend who expects her to drive him around on command in the car she is driving...the one that belongs to Grandma and she does not pay insurance on. And she is living at home of course.

Thinking it might be best to cut the apron strings slowly we agreed she could move to Grandma's. The plus (and minus) sign in this is that she will have more space and privacy...All advice I see is that she is an adult and has to face the real word...Put her out and change the locks and force her to figure it out/grow up. Trouble is I am not willing to put my pregnant daughter out on the streets.And unbelievably she seems to feel very angry, bitter and rejected simply because I want her to move there.

I don't think it is fair to make the younger children give up their rooms to double up while I continue to support their adult sister who is capable of working. Whether she likes her employment choices or not I do believe that she could find a full-time job and that she has not put her full-effort into it.

Sadly, there are no guarantees when you give birth to a child. Her life is not taking any of the paths I envisioned and while I understand she has to make her own choices it is very hard to watch. I'm also trying to find that fine line between helping and enabling. I have given her SO much info and links and advice on available services but she has taken advantage of very few.

How do you find your way through all that muck? I don't want to raise my grand-child. I don't want my adult child to have to live at home. I want her to be independent and strong. I want to baby-sit while she is at work or in class in the evenings but I can not afford to pay for her daycare. I want her to find her way in the world...and I think it may take a crow-bar to make that happen.

At this point I think I'm heading back into counseling because you only get one chance to get it right and honestly? I don't know how to help her.


  1. Oh, Lillian. While a baby is exciting, I totally understand that it is also complicated. I will keep you in my thoughts; I'm totally confident you will find your way through the journey of welcoming your grandchild and being the mom your daughter needs. ((hugs))

  2. Letting go is so hard, especially when a baby is involved. I think you are on the right oldest daughter is the same age as yours, and I know if she was in the same situation, I would be as supportive as I could be, even to the point where she could stay with me for a few weeks, but I wouldn't be able to let her stay with me on a permanent basis. I love her dearly, but she needs to be on her own...I had her at 24, as a single parent, and I so appreciated being able to stay with my mom for a while after my oldest was born. I needed her, and I needed her advice, but all of us were ready to move on after three weeks!

  3. First, I'd make BabyDaddy mow my yard weekly, wash/wax my car weekly, do my dishes AND laundry, provide foot massages to You, if daughter stays there or to Grams, if she moves.
    I'd make him sign a note for repayment of your counseling session fees.

    And he should hafta call you "Ma'am" for the rest of his natural life.

    Then again, that's just me.

    Srsly, I agree that it sounds like you're on the right track in seeking out some help on this one.
    There is no right answer. Pray for a healthy baby and take it one day at a time.

    Please let us know if we can assist, my Friend.

  4. there is no right answer. sometimes tough love works and you are on the right track getting some help.
    having a baby is hard, but it can make you grow up quickly as well. i wish you all the best my friend...

  5. All I can say is ((( Hugs))). I will think good thoughts for you!

  6. Looking back, am not sure how my parents did it. I left early on to do my thing, but my brothers stayed as long as possible. My parents just recently kicked my youngest brother out...Dad says for not cleaning up after himself, which is just silly, so I am sure it was something like what you are doing...GET UP, GET OUT, GET GOING (in life). Since I am childless, I can only support your thoughts on counseling. And that I think you are doing the right thing.